If you and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse want to share custody of your kids but you really don't get along, you may feel discouraged about the idea. Instead of looking at a co-parenting model for raising your children, consider a possibility known as parallel parenting. This allows you to share custody while having very limited contact with one another.

About Parallel Parenting

In a parallel parenting arrangement, the two of you admit that your relationship isn't conducive to co-parenting. You can avoid direct communication for the most part by having your lawyers legally document all the specifics of your custody arrangement.

This involves agreeing upon and documenting fundamental lifestyle issues, such as which religion the children will be raised in and what elementary and secondary schools they will attend. Logistical details can be done through software scheduling.

Logistical Details

You and your ex set up a shared custody schedule, including days throughout the upcoming year when exceptions will be made. Determining ahead of time when the kids stay with you or the other parent on holidays and special days -- such as birthdays -- prevents arguments and turmoil. 

If either of you does want or need to make a schedule change during the year, you communicate formally through the scheduling software. This way, you don't have to talk on the phone, email or text unless there are specific aspects to work out. For instance, you might text the other parent one afternoon and ask them to pick up the child at school instead of at home. 

Event Attendance

For now, if the two of you start arguing whenever you're together, avoid attending the same events unless it would be hurtful for the child. You probably don't have to both go to a community Easter egg hunt, for example. On the other hand, a school awards ceremony and a religious confirmation are events you should both attend. Put your differences aside for one day. 

Communication About Particular Issues

At times, both parents may want to communicate about something going on with one of the children. For example, one of the youngsters might have trouble with a couple of classes or some social issues in school. As the kids get older, they might want a part-time job, a later curfew or to start dating. 

If you have substantial disagreements about these issues, you might arrange a mediation meeting to resolve the conflict. During mediation, an impartial professional such as a family lawyer or a social worker can help the two of you communicate in a reasonable way to make the best decision for your child.

Disagreements to Live With

Even with co-parenting, ex-spouses have to pick their battles. You may find it irritating, for instance, if your ex routinely takes the children out for pizza or fast food, leading them to complain about eating at home when they're at your place.

This is not the sort of problem you want to get into a legal tangle over. Tell the children that there will be certain differences in lifestyle in the two different homes, and that they are expected to respect those differences. 

Considering the Children's Feelings

You may worry that your children will feel uncomfortable when their parents studiously avoid one another. It's true that an amicable divorce tends to be best for youngsters. However, seeing divorced parents fighting whenever they are in contact is a greater source of stress than dealing with divorced parents who only rarely have direct communication. 

Look to the Future

Although it may seem strange, divorcing may actually improve your relationship with the person who once was your spouse. A review of research about shared parenting cites several studies on page 19 confirming that high conflict and animosity typically subside within a few years after divorce. 

You may eventually progress to a less rigid co-parenting arrangement that your attorneys can set up, or you may find that the more business-like parallel parenting continues to be very satisfactory.

For now, talk with a divorce lawyer from a company like Winstein, Kavensky & Cunningham, LLC. about setting up a parallel parenting arrangement as part of your custody agreement.